Navigating Narcissism in Mediation: How to Stay Grounded When the Process Gets Manipulated

Mediators are trained to uphold neutrality, foster dialogue, and create safe space for resolution. But what happens when the process itself gets manipulated? Narcissism in mediation can derail even the best-laid plans, not always with shouting or demands, but sometimes through subtle emotional tactics that distort the conversation. Recognizing how narcissistic behaviours, especially covert ones, show up in mediation is key to protecting the process and each participant’s dignity.

Understanding Narcissism in Mediation

Narcissism isn't just about arrogance or control—it’s a personality style rooted in deep insecurity, masked by a need for validation, power, or moral superiority. In a mediation setting, this can look like persistent self-victimization, performative cooperation, or a refusal to take accountability.

There are typically two patterns to watch for:

• Overt Narcissism – Dominant, visibly controlling, often aggressive or dismissive of others’ needs

• Covert Narcissism – Subtle, manipulative, often playing the role of the martyr or moral hero

As Psychology Today outlines, covert narcissists are often mistaken for passive or kind, but their tactics are just as destabilizing. They may monopolize the emotional tone of mediation, making fair resolution almost impossible unless properly addressed.

When Both Parties Are Narcissistic: The Narcissistic Dyad

Occasionally, mediators find themselves navigating what I call a “narcissistic dyad”, where both participants engage in self-serving, manipulative behaviours.

Let me share a composite example (names changed for privacy):

Case Story: Sarah and Danie

Sarah and Daniel had been separated for two years but remained emotionally entangled. Daniel came across as agreeable, always saying, "I just want peace." He made quick concessions, but they didn’t stick. He’d later send vague legal threats through email or revisit settled issues using third-party input. His behaviour, though calm, was a form of passive control.

Sarah, on the other hand, presented as the exhausted, unappreciated spouse. She frequently referenced emotional labour, spiritual injury, and fairness, but her demands far exceeded what could reasonably be resolved through mediation.

What emerged was a dance:

• Daniel used compliance as control, keeping the upper hand through subtle resistance.

• Sarah sought moral vindication, framing every negotiation through a lens of suffering and unpaid emotional debt.

Neither was looking for true resolution. They wanted acknowledgment, superiority, and emotional leverage.

How We Brought the Process Back on Track

To protect the integrity of the mediation, I implemented three structural interventions:

1. Structured Communication – No unscheduled emails, clear agendas, and time-capped sessions

2. Legal Anchoring – We referenced Ontario’s SSAG Guidelines to shift away from emotion-based demands

3. Face-Saving Off-Ramps – We built solutions where both parties could change their position without losing dignity

   
   

Gradually, both began engaging with the process rather than trying to win it.

Practical Strategies for Mediators Dealing With Narcissism

Watch for These Red Flags:

• Overemphasis on moral injury or past grievances

• Sudden escalation when outcomes don’t align with one party’s narrative

• Passive legal threats (“Maybe I’ll just litigate then”)

• Emotional storytelling that derails the facts

Effective Tools to Ground the Process:

• Anchor in Legal Frameworks: Use recognized standards to neutralize inflated demands

• Scripted, Neutral Reflection: Acknowledge feelings without affirming manipulative framing

• Create Face-Saving Paths: Offer solutions that let participants shift positions gracefully

• Set Clear Boundaries: Stick to structured communication, limit session lengths, and recap often

Helpful Legal Precedents for Anchoring:

• Thomas v. Thomas (2004 ABQB 27): Courts favor equitable outcomes, not moral victory

• Martin v. Sansome (2014 ONCA 14): Emotional narratives don’t justify disproportionate claims

Why This Matters

Narcissism in mediation isn’t always easy to spot. Especially in its covert form, it can derail progress under the guise of cooperation or emotional depth. But with the right tools—structural, emotional, and legal—mediators can reclaim the process, support both parties, and guide even high-conflict cases toward meaningful resolution.

Next Steps

If you’re a mediator, coach, or legal professional ready to strengthen your skills, book a team training session with Alliston Resolutions. Together, we’ll help you navigate even the toughest cases with clarity, compassion, and confidence.