Family Law Isn’t Punitive - And That Can Be Hard to Hear

In my first meetings with clients, I often hear stories of deep emotional betrayal; verbal abuse, infidelity, and abandonment. Understandably, people want justice. They want the person who hurt them to pay, quite literally. I’ve had clients sit across from me and say, “I want him to lose everything,” or “She should have to pay for what she did to our family.”

And every time, I take a deep breath and gently explain what so few people realize: family law isn’t punitive. It’s not built to punish the person who caused emotional pain. It’s built to protect children and ensure both parties can rebuild. That can be a hard reality to face, especially when your heart feels shattered.

Why Family Law Isn’t Punitive Even When You’ve Been Deeply Hurt

There’s a common misconception, often shaped by American courtroom dramas, that if someone wrongs you in a marriage, you can sue them for damages in divorce. However, in Canadian family law, there is no provision in the Family Law Act, the Divorce Act, or the Family Law Reform Act that allows you to financially penalize your spouse for emotional harm, adultery, or verbal abuse.

That doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. It means the legal system approaches separation from a different lens: one that aims for fairness, not punishment. Family law isn’t punitive, because punishing one party often ends up hurting the very people the law is meant to protect: the children.

The Best Interests of the Children: Always the Priority

This is where family law takes its strongest stand. Every decision - custody, support, division of assets - is made with the best interests of the children as the guiding principle. If a court were to financially ruin one parent out of retribution, that parent would likely struggle to provide even the basics: a home, clothes, food, and stability.

Family law understands that kids need both parents to be functional and stable, even after separation. So it creates frameworks that help both parties move forward, not just the one who was emotionally wounded.

What the Law Actually Provides For

I often walk clients through the actual workings of family law. It’s usually more straightforward and less emotionally validating than they expect. But it’s designed that way for a reason.

• Equalization of Property: In Ontario, the law says each spouse is entitled to half the net family property acquired during the marriage. That’s it. There’s no clause that says you get more because the other person cheated or emotionally abused you.

• Spousal Support: This is governed by detailed guidelines. You may be entitled to support if you were in a long-term relationship (typically 20+ years) or if you stayed home to raise children, sacrificing your career. This isn’t a punishment, it’s compensation for economic disadvantage, and it has clear limits.

• Child Support: It’s calculated based on income and is considered the right of the child, not a bargaining chip between parents. No judge will deny child support because one parent is angry at the other.

A Real Example: When Emotion and Law Collide

One client I worked with had been a stay-at-home mom for most of her marriage. Her husband had a good income, and when the relationship ended, she wanted not only spousal support but also his entire half of the family’s net worth. She said, “I gave up everything, he owes me all of it.”

And I empathized with her. Truly. But I had to be honest: that’s not how family law works. He was still legally entitled to his share, just as she was to hers. Taking everything from him would have left him unable to rent a home or start over in any meaningful way. That would have hurt their children, something the court would never allow.

Unfortunately, her need to be right usurped being reasonable, and she decided to hire a lawyer who sympathized with her emotional state, leading her to believe she would 'win'. In reality, she did not win and ultimately ended up having to pay the court costs for taking her ex through an unnecessary court battle.

If your motivation is to 'win', to 'make them pay for what they did' or for any other kind of retribution, rest assured, you will find a lawyer who will take your money. However, in the end, the spirit of Family Law will prevail and the ruling will always be in the best interest of the children, not you. Family law isn’t punitive because when one parent suffers, the children do too. The law seeks to prevent that.

Why This Can Be So Difficult to Accept

When you’ve been mistreated, especially if there’s a criminal component like assault, it feels wrong to see the other person walk away with anything. It feels unjust. And in criminal court, that hurt might be addressed. But in family court? The focus stays firmly on moving forward, not looking back for retribution.

That doesn’t mean you have to forgive overnight. But it does mean your expectations of what the legal system can give you need to be grounded. Family law offers fairness. Stability. Structure. But not emotional payback.

Next Steps: Clarity, Not Conflict

If you’re going through separation and struggling with feelings of injustice, you’re not alone. Let’s talk through your options and create a plan that’s grounded, compassionate, and clear. At Alliston Resolutions, I’ll help you separate emotion from legal reality, so you can focus on what truly matters: your future, and your children’s well-being.

Contact me here to schedule a consultation.