Bring Your Best Self: Managing Emotions in Divorce Mediation

Why Emotional Awareness Matters More Than Ever in Mediation

Divorce is often described as one of life’s most emotionally intense experiences, and for good reason. In mediation, where critical decisions are being made that shape your future (and often your children’s too), Managing your emotions in divorce mediation directly affects the quality of the outcome.

That’s why one of the most important pieces of advice I share with clients is this: Bring your best self to the table.

But how do we do that when emotions feel overwhelming or unpredictable?

Let’s talk about it.

Your Brain on Conflict: The Science Behind Emotional Hijacking

Here’s something we don’t always realize when we’re in the heat of the moment: our brains are wired for survival, not clarity. When we feel threatened - emotionally or otherwise - our nervous system defaults to ancient responses: fight, flight, or freeze.

These reactions helped our ancestors run from danger. But in a mediation room? They usually do more harm than good.

When you're triggered into fear, anger, or defensiveness, the rational part of your brain, responsible for logic, empathy, and long-term thinking, essentially goes offline. Have you ever looked back on something you said or agreed to and thought, "What was I thinking?" That’s what I mean. You weren’t thinking - at least, not with your best self.

Your Best Self Makes the Best Agreements

In my experience as a mediator, the most peaceful and productive agreements are made when people are calm, self-aware, and forward-looking, not stuck in fear or bitterness.

Let me be clear: you’re allowed to feel all your emotions. But you’re also responsible for how they affect your ability to make decisions. That’s a hard truth, but it’s a liberating one. (Will Smith explains this beautifully in his short video on Fault vs. Responsibility—it’s well worth watching.)

By choosing to regulate your emotions, you empower yourself to show up in a way that serves your future—not your fear.

Grounding Practices for Managing Emotions in Divorce Mediation

Everyone’s triggers are different, but here are a few simple practices that can help you return to a more peaceful state in the moment:

• Take three slow, deep breaths—this signals safety to your nervous system

• Step outside for a short walk if you can

• Visualize a place or memory that brings you peace or joy

• Silently repeat a calming phrase like “I choose peace over power struggles”

And remember: it’s completely okay to ask for a short break in mediation if you feel yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed. That’s not weakness, it’s wisdom.

A Personal Example: The Power of the Pause

I once worked with a woman, let’s call her Sarah, who felt deeply triggered every time her ex-husband interrupted her. In our first session, she reacted with anger and started to shut down emotionally. Before the second session, she made a plan. She brought a small grounding stone in her pocket, practiced breathwork beforehand, and let me know privately that she might need a break if things got heated.

Not only did she stay calm during the session, but she also surprised herself by speaking with more clarity and kindness than she thought possible. The agreement they reached was one she could actually live with, and even feel good about.

That’s what I mean by bringing your best self.

Mediation Is Not Just a Legal Process - It’s a Personal One

What you bring to the table in terms of emotional energy and mindset matters. The agreements you make in mediation aren't just words on paper—they are the foundation of your next chapter.

So if you’re preparing for a mediation, ask yourself: What helps me return to calm when I'm triggered? Then, make a plan. Don’t leave it to chance. The best agreements are built not just on facts and logic, but on self-awareness, intentionality, and emotional maturity.

You’ve got this. And if you need a little help along the way, we’re here.

Next Steps

Preparing for mediation? Book a free 20-minute consultation to explore how we can support you in showing up with clarity, confidence, and calm.

Michelle Rakowski also writes at Spiral Up, exploring the emotional and spiritual dimensions of parenting