The term "trauma" may seem like a buzzword nowadays, but it is a genuine concern. Fortunately, society is becoming more aware of how much our past traumatic experiences influence our present and future selves. This understanding is vital, particularly in discussions about the trauma associated with divorce.
The Widespread Impact of Divorce Trauma
Having met with people going through divorces for over a decade, I can confidently say that divorce has a profound impact on everyone involved. Whether the decision to get divorced is made by one party or mutually agreed upon, breakups are undeniably difficult.
For those who were left, there may be feelings of victimization and anxiety about building a life they never anticipated. Conversely, those who initiated the divorce may struggle with guilt and regret. Additionally, the well-being of the children is a major concern for everyone involved.
The effects of divorce on children are significant and should not be overlooked.
The pain of divorce goes deep. Any experience that causes such hurt can lead to instinctive reactions geared towards self-protection to prevent further pain. While this is a natural response, it can often lead to problems in future relationships and even in our friendships if the emotional trauma is not addressed.
At the end of the day, the only person who can choose the healing journey for us is ourselves. It is a personal project, and because it can be so challenging, many people skip it altogether or start the process and then give up before it's completed. So, why bother with healing our divorce trauma?
Growing up in the 70s and 80s, trauma often went unnoticed and untreated. It felt like living in a world of emotionally disconnected zombies. Children endured various forms of abuse, and no one intervened. Couples in troubled relationships frequently resorted to yelling as if it were a normal and acceptable way to communicate. The young people affected by all this struggled to navigate their lives and couldn't understand why things didn’t work out. Many of those young people are now in their 40s and 50s and trying to cope with relationship breakups while having core wounds to attend to as well.
The biggest reason to heal from trauma is that we all yearn for a better world. By becoming joyful, loving, and healed individuals, we pave the way for our children and their descendants to lead more fulfilling lives.
When people are hurt and traumatized, they often make decisions focused on survival, prioritizing their immediate benefit without considering long-term consequences. Conversely, those who are happy have the mental clarity and energy to make choices that consider the well-being of everyone involved.
An Opportunity for Growth
Our society has conditioned us to see negative things as victimizing. Would it surprise you to know that not all societies have taken this perspective? Two thousand years ago, the culture of Greek Stoicism taught its adherents to see adversity as an opportunity to become better. Fundamentally, we can’t control others' hurtful behaviour, but we most certainly have control over our own thoughts and choices.
Truly successful people realize that stewing in victimization is of no benefit at all. I had to learn this the hard way. When my children’s father first left us, I lost my house and all my assets, and I was treated very unkindly by some of my extended family on his side.
Moreover, I belonged to a Christian community at the time and discovered that single moms and their children were pitied and looked upon as people who could never be ‘whole’ the way ‘proper’ families with a husband and wife could be. Initially, I bought into this package of beliefs, but before long, something rose up in me that said enough is enough. We left the church and embarked on a ten-year process of undoing, healing, and overcoming.
The product: We rewrote our lives, overcame seemingly insurmountable challenges, and discovered who we truly were meant to be in this world. We learned that by healing our own lives and giving back to the world, we became fulfilled and contributed to the betterment of society. I dream of the day when the majority of people in our world learn to live this way. Can you imagine what that would look like?
The Choice to Heal
Are you ready to see the opportunity for growth and healing in your situation? Do you want to see yourself and your children become the best versions possible? All it requires is some openness to new ideas and a willingness to try them.
Over the next few months, I will be sharing through my blog posts how you can effectively transform your mind and your life. I know this works because my children and I are living proof of it.
You don’t have to navigate your healing journey alone! If you're seeking guidance from a seasoned transformational life coach with expert experience in Family Law, I’m here to help. Reach out to me, Michelle, and let's chat about how we can work together. Your first consultation is free, and I would love to hear your story.
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