When Overcontrol in Separation Becomes the Problem: A Mediator’s Perspective on Fear, Control, and Self-Sabotage

If you’ve ever gone through a separation where one partner challenged everything, from how a sentence was worded to how much soccer uniforms cost, you might have asked yourself, Is this really about fairness, or is there something else going on?

As a family mediator, I’ve sat with many couples who, while unique in their stories, fall into familiar patterns. One of the most difficult, and surprisingly common, issues in separation is overcontrol: when one partner becomes fixated on being right, dominating the details, or proving a point.

Recently, I worked with a couple where this dynamic played out in full force. The partner, we’ll call him Michael, wasn’t just focused on the agreement. He was fixated on getting it exactly right, even if that meant halting progress altogether.

When Overcontrol in Separation Becomes a Coping Strategy

Michael questioned every line item. He dissected numbers, challenged assumptions, and insisted on forecasting speculative future expenses. At first, I assumed he was just being thorough - careful, even. But the more the pattern continued, the more obvious it became: this wasn’t about strategy. It was about fear.

He needed proof. Proof he wasn’t being taken advantage of. Proof he was the smartest person in the room. Proof he was in control.

But ironically, his efforts to control the process began to unravel it. He missed key points, quoted outdated numbers, and created delays that hurt everyone, including himself. What I was witnessing was something I’ve come to recognize as compensatory self-sabotage: trying to outrun insecurity by micromanaging the process, only to end up confirming the very fears he was trying to avoid.

Recognizing the Pattern Without Getting Pulled In

For mediators and professionals in this space, it’s easy to get swept into these power dynamics. When one person dominates the room, it can be tempting to either appease or confront them directly. But neither response is productive.

When overcontrol in separation shows up, here’s what I’ve learned helps:

• Set and maintain clear, written boundaries around timelines and scope

• Remain emotionally neutral, even when provoked

• Let natural consequences unfold without rescuing or rushing

• Avoid personalizing the behaviour—this isn’t about you

In Michael’s case, I stuck to the facts. I didn’t inflate invoices to compensate for the extra time. I documented everything. I let the agreement take the shape he needed, within the limits of reason and the law.

Eventually, he paid. He signed. And the storm passed.

If You’re in a Relationship with Someone Like Michael…

You may be dealing with more than stubbornness. You might be facing someone who’s afraid; afraid of being wrong, of losing control, or of feeling emotionally exposed. The need to “win” isn’t always about you. More often, it’s about an internal narrative they’re trying to rewrite through the separation process.

That doesn’t mean you need to tolerate delays, control, or disrespect. But understanding why the behaviour is happening can help you step back emotionally. You can set limits without getting drawn into the loop of reaction and defense.

Mediation helps here. A structured, neutral space gives you both room to work through the logistics without inflaming the emotional volatility. You don’t have to manage your partner’s fear. But you can protect your own peace.

A Real-Life Reminder

I’ll never forget Michael, because he reminded me that sometimes, the loudest people in the room are the most afraid. He wasn’t trying to be difficult. He was trying not to be exposed. And like many people in conflict, he mistook control for safety.

Whether you’re a mediator, a professional, or someone going through separation, it helps to remember this: Your job isn’t to fix someone else’s fear. Your job is to stay clear-eyed, compassionate, and grounded, so even when the storm comes, you don’t have to spin with it.

Next Steps

If you're starting the separation process and struggling with control dynamics or emotional tension, you're not alone, and you don't have to navigate it without support. At Alliston Resolutions, we provide professional mediation services that help you move forward, even when the conversation feels stuck or emotionally charged.

Book a consultation today to learn how we can support your separation with clarity, boundaries, and peace of mind.ng control issues during separation