When an Ex Is Sending Inappropriate Texts to the Kids: What You Can Do
- Michelle Rakowski
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
When Communication Crosses the Line
Co-parenting after separation is never simple, but it becomes especially painful when your children are caught in the emotional fallout. If your ex is sending inappropriate texts to the kids, whether guilt-tripping them, blaming you, or demanding compliance, you may feel powerless to shield them from the emotional strain. The good news is, you can help your children set boundaries that preserve their emotional safety, even when the other parent isn’t cooperating.
I’ve recently supported a family facing a heartbreaking version of this dynamic. The children live primarily with their mother but are supposed to have 50/50 parenting time with their father. That arrangement broke down when the father moved in with a new partner, who happened to be the mother’s former best friend. The emotional terrain became so uncomfortable that the children, ages 9 and 12, made the decision to stop going to their dad’s house. They didn’t want to cut off contact altogether, they just didn’t want to visit there.
Despite attempts to meet in neutral spaces, the father insisted they come to the house, and when they stood their ground, he began texting them accusatory messages, blaming their mother for turning them against him. Extended family members joined in, pressuring the kids via text to “obey their dad” and “stop being manipulated.” At that point, the kids were not just confused, they were hurt, defensive, and overwhelmed.
If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, you are not alone, and there are ways to support your kids that are both protective and empowering.
The Emotional Weight of Inappropriate Texts
Children are sensitive to tone, pressure, and manipulation, even if the language seems subtle. When a parent uses texting to express disappointment, issue commands, or criticize the other parent, it places the child in an impossible position. They’re expected to be the go-between, the emotional sponge, and the peacekeeper. That’s not only unfair, it’s damaging.
Even if your ex is sending inappropriate texts to the kids from a place of pain or defensiveness, it’s critical to shift the focus back to what your children need most: emotional safety, consistency, and the freedom to express their feelings without fear of backlash.
When the Agreement Doesn’t Reflect the Reality
Parenting agreements are helpful frameworks, but they can’t predict every future complication, especially when dynamics shift dramatically, like in cases of blended families, new partners, or housing changes.
In this family’s situation, the 50/50 agreement no longer worked in practice. The children had a clear preference not to be in a particular environment, and they lived close enough to exercise that choice. The police, when called, found no signs of abuse or neglect, but wisely advised the parents to return to mediation to revisit the agreement.
If your child is expressing discomfort, distress, or fear around a parent’s home or behavior, even if there’s no “legal” danger, it’s still a legitimate reason to pause, listen, and explore a better solution.
What to Do When Your Ex Is Sending Inappropriate Texts to the Kids
When texts from a parent contain blame, emotional pressure, or manipulation, your child may feel trapped between two worlds. Even if they want to maintain a relationship with the other parent, they may dread the means of communication. That’s where you can help them shift from reactive texting to more structured, respectful alternatives, like email.
Helping Kids Set Healthy Boundaries
Children may not always have legal authority, but they do have a right to feel safe. And as they get older, their voices carry more weight in parenting decisions. One of the most powerful tools we can give them is permission to set communication boundaries.
Here’s what that can look like:
If a parent or extended family member sends inappropriate texts, the child can reply: “I’m not comfortable with the way this message was written. I want to keep in touch, but only if it’s respectful.”
If it continues, the child can move communication to email—a format that allows for clear subject lines, slower response times, and better emotional filtering.
Why email?
It’s easier to enforce boundaries
It leaves a clear paper trail (in case it’s ever needed in court)
It gives children a choice to read or not read based on tone
Emails can be reviewed by a trusted third party before being shared
If your ex continues sending inappropriate texts to the kids, this shift to email isn’t about cutting them off, it’s about creating a healthier channel for communication. And that’s a form of love.
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How You Can Support Your Children Without Escalating Conflict
When a child says, “I don’t want to go,” or “I don’t want to read this,” it’s tempting to either step in forcefully or freeze in fear. But the middle ground is powerful: validate your child’s experience while modeling healthy boundaries.
You might say:
“I hear you. It’s not okay for someone to speak to you that way.”
“You’re allowed to decide how you want to be spoken to.”
“We can talk about a different way for you to stay in touch if that feels safer.”
You’re not alienating the other parent, you’re protecting your child’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
When Extended Family Crosses the Line
It’s hard enough for children to navigate conflict between parents. When extended family members start sending shaming or aggressive messages, it further clouds the child’s sense of trust and safety.
In the family I mentioned earlier, relatives on the father’s side texted the children harshly, accusing them of being disloyal and manipulated. This created more stress, not less.
Here’s the truth: extended family members are not neutral. And when they try to enforce parenting time or discipline through texting, they’re stepping far outside healthy boundaries.
You have every right to communicate, kindly but firmly, that communication with your children must go through you, or through pre-approved channels, if it’s not constructive or respectful.
When It’s Time to Return to Mediation
Sometimes, no amount of personal boundary-setting is enough. That’s when it’s time to revisit your parenting plan with the help of a professional mediator. A good mediator can help reestablish balance, reframe agreements to reflect the current reality, and keep the focus on what’s best for the children, not what’s fair for the adults.
A situation like this is emotionally charged, and it’s incredibly hard to stay neutral. But neutral support is exactly what’s needed to navigate it well.
Next Steps: Protecting Connection While Creating Safety
If you're in a situation where your ex is sending inappropriate texts to the kids, or pressuring them emotionally, it’s time to shift the communication dynamic. You don’t need to cut off the relationship. You just need a safer structure for it to grow.
Start by:
Talking with your child about their communication boundaries
Moving contact to email where possible
Consulting a mediator to revisit your parenting plan
Supporting your child’s emotional clarity and agency
You’re not alone - and your child doesn’t have to carry this burden alone either.
Start by reaching out for a free consult today and find out how Alliston Resolutions can help you in your situation.
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