When Children Don’t Want to See the Other Parent: What Courts Consider in Custody Disputes

Judges don’t just ask what the child wants, they explore why.

When a Child Refuses to Visit a Parent

It’s one of the most heartbreaking scenarios I see in my work with separating families: A child begins refusing to visit one parent. Maybe they cry before hand-off. Maybe they withdraw or act out during or after visits. Or maybe they plainly say, “I don’t want to go to Mom’s (or Dad’s) anymore.”

For the parent being rejected, it’s devastating. For the parent in the middle, it’s confusing and distressing. And for professionals like myself, who help families write parenting agreements, it raises a difficult question: What’s really going on here?

When children don’t want to see the other parent, it’s not always easy to tell whether their voice is being influenced, whether there are valid emotional or safety concerns, or whether the natural complexity of divorce and loyalty conflicts is surfacing. And when parents can’t agree on what to do, the court may need to step in.

What the Law Says About Children’s Wishes

In Canada, decisions about where a child lives or how parenting time is shared must always be made in the best interests of the child. This applies under both the Divorce Act (for married couples) and Ontario’s Children’s Law Reform Act (CLRA) for non-married or common-law parents.

Both pieces of legislation recognize that children’s voices matter. The CLRA specifically requires that, where possible, courts consider the child’s views and preferences, giving weight based on the child’s age and maturity.

But here’s the key:

The child’s wishes are one factor, not the deciding factor.

A child saying “I don’t want to go” doesn’t end the conversation. Instead, it begins a deeper inquiry.

How Courts Hear and Assess a Child’s Voice

When parents are in conflict over a child’s refusal to visit one of them, the court has several ways of understanding the child’s perspective:

1. Voice of the Child (VOC) Reports

These are neutral interviews conducted by a trained professional (often a lawyer, social worker, or psychologist). They sit down with the child, in a parent’s home, at school, or another private setting, and ask open-ended, child-friendly questions about routines, relationships, and feelings.

The professional then writes a report summarizing the child’s expressed views, without making a custody recommendation. This gives the court valuable insight into how the child feels, in their own words.

2. Independent Legal Representation (OCL in Ontario)

In high-conflict cases, the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) can be appointed to either:

• Represent the child, or

• Conduct an investigation into the child’s best interests.

This representation is complex. The child’s lawyer may share the child’s wishes, but they are also ethically bound to advocate for what is best for the child, even if that differs from what the child says they want.

3. Judicial Interviews or Testimony

While rare, a judge may speak with the child directly (in chambers), or the child may testify, though this is discouraged due to emotional stress and concerns about undue pressure.

What Courts Look for When Children Don’t Want to See the Other Parent

Judges don’t just ask what the child wants, they explore why.

Here are some of the key questions and criteria a court may use:

• Is the child old enough and mature enough to form a reasoned preference?

• Are their wishes consistent, clear, and long-standing?

• Does the child understand the implications of their choice?

• Has one parent been influencing or coaching the child?

• Are there safety issues, family violence, or emotional harm?

• Would changing the current arrangement disrupt the child’s stability, school, friendships, or routines?

• Has either parent been undermining the child’s relationship with the other?

This last point is especially important in high-conflict situations. Courts are alert to signs of parental alienation, subtle coaching, or guilt-tripping. If a parent appears to be manipulating the child’s views, it can severely impact their case.

A Real-World Reflection

In one recent case, I worked with parents who had agreed on a parenting plan that gave the father regular parenting time. Months later, the children, ages 10 and 13, started resisting visits. They said they didn’t want to go. The mother reported this to me as she was looking into updating their agreement, but it wasn’t immediately clear what had caused the change.

Had the father done something harmful? Was the mother unintentionally (or intentionally) influencing the children’s view of him? Or were the children simply overwhelmed by the conflict they were witnessing?

The truth likely lay somewhere in the middle. And the answer wasn’t to make the children choose, it was to make sure their voices were heard safely and fairly.

What Should Parents Do in These Situations?

If your child is resisting time with their other parent, it’s natural to feel alarmed or protective. Here’s what I often advise clients:

• Don’t ask your child to choose. Courts strongly discourage asking “who do you want to live with?”

• Document concerns, but avoid drawing conclusions about the other parent’s influence or intentions without evidence.

• Focus on your child’s needs, not just their preferences. Ask: What are they struggling with? What do they need to feel safe and supported?

• Consider a Voice of the Child report or requesting OCL involvement if the matter proceeds to court.

• Avoid bad-mouthing the other parent: even subtle comments can affect your child and backfire legally.

• Seek mediation or support. A neutral third party can help de-escalate and focus on solutions.

How Mediation Can Help (Before You Go to Court)

In mediation, the goal isn’t to determine who’s right, it’s to understand what’s best for the child.

Sometimes that means:

• Referring the family for a VOC report

• Adjusting schedules to reduce stress

• Creating child-friendly routines and transitions

• Addressing conflict patterns between parents

• Helping both parents see how their behaviour may be affecting the child, even unintentionally

  
  

When parents work cooperatively, even amid disagreement, the child feels safer. And that often leads to better outcomes for everyone.

Final Thoughts

When children don’t want to see the other parent, it’s a red flag, but not always for the reason we think. It’s a signal that something needs attention: a strained relationship, overwhelming conflict, or a deeper need that’s not being met.

The courts will listen, but they will also look deeper. And so should we.

If you’re in this situation, don’t face it alone. There are thoughtful, compassionate ways to support your child, protect your rights, and find a way forward.

Next Steps

If your child is resisting time with their other parent and you’re unsure what to do next, let’s talk. Book a confidential consultation or explore our resources