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Stop Handing Over Power: How to Stay in Control During Divorce

Person in a hoodie and hat stands by a serene lake with reeds, under a clear blue sky and sunlight. Trees line the distant shore.
Staying in control during divorce means refusing to disappear from your own life.

In the chaos of divorce, it’s easy to freeze. You’re emotionally exhausted. Legal terms sound like a foreign language. You hire a lawyer or two, hoping someone will just “handle it.” Butthe moment you hand over power, you also risk outcomes you never wanted. Staying passive doesn’t bring peace, it invites confusion, escalation, and regret.


The good news? There’s a better way. You can learn how to stay in control during divorce, even with professionals in the room. In fact, that’s exactly when it matters most.


Why Clients Lose Control Without Realizing It


Most people don’t realize they’ve given up control until it’s too late. Here’s what it often sounds like:


  • “I didn’t know we were going to court.”

  • “I just trusted my lawyer to do what was best.”

  • “It all happened so fast, I didn’t understand half of it.”


This isn’t weakness. It’s the natural outcome of a system that encourages silence, speed, and surrender. But silence serves the system, not you.


How to Stay in Control During Divorce


If you want a peaceful divorce, or even just a clear one, control begins with your choices. Here’s how to protect your voice and direction from day one.


1. Choose Mediation Instead of Litigation (When Safe to Do So)


Mediation is structured to give you, not your lawyer, the central role.


  • You speak directly (not through legal reps)

  • You negotiate in real time, not through aggressive back-and-forth letters

  • You shape the agreement based on what matters most to you


Litigation often fuels conflict. 


Mediation helps you stay present, clear, and empowered. If you're emotionally safe and ready for direct negotiation, it’s one of the most powerful ways to stay in control during divorce.


2. Know What You Want Before You Hire Anyone


Don’t just think about assets and custody. Think about how you want to get there.


  • Do you want a respectful tone?

  • Do you want to avoid court?

  • Do you want your children shielded from drama?


When you know what matters most, you can hire professionals who support your goals, not override them.


Text "HIRING A DIVORCE LAWYER" in bold, with a judge's gavel below. Subtitle: "What every client needs to know," by Michelle Rakowski.

Want real answers before you make a costly mistake?


This book is the guide every divorcing client wishes they had before hiring a lawyer.




3. Vet Your Lawyer or Mediator for Alignment, Not Just Credentials


A great resume doesn’t mean they’ll respect your voice.

Ask:


  • “How do you involve your clients in decisions?”

  • “What do you do if a client doesn’t understand something?”

  • “Are you comfortable working collaboratively?”


If they look annoyed, or answer vaguely, keep walking.


4. Speak Up, Even When It’s Uncomfortable


Power isn’t about shouting. It’s about clarity.

Try:


  • “That doesn’t feel right to me.”

  • “Can you explain that again?”

  • “I’d like to pause before moving forward.”


Silence protects no one but the system.


5. Refuse to Sign What You Don’t Understand


If it’s unclear, don’t sign it.If it feels rushed, slow it down.

You’re allowed to ask questions. You’re allowed to take time. You’re allowed to not be ready.


6. Put it in Writing


If your words get dismissed in meetings, use email. Written communication:


  • Slows things down

  • Creates a paper trail

  • Helps you organize your thoughts


Don’t assume verbal agreements will be honored. Put your clarity in writing.


You’re Not Being Difficult, You’re Being Clear


Staying in control isn’t about resisting your lawyer. It’s about refusing to disappear from your own life. You’re not just a case file. You’re a parent, and a human being rebuilding your future. The more grounded you are in your role, the better your outcome, and the more peace you’ll carry into what comes next.


Need Help Leading the Process, Not Just Surviving It?


That’s why I wrote Hiring a Divorce Lawyer: What Every Client Needs to Know.

This book shows you:


  • How to spot professionals who take over instead of partnering

  • What to ask in consultations

  • How to stay in control during divorce—step by step


Because you can hire support without surrendering your voice.


Interested in Mediation or Divorce Coaching? Let's Talk.


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