My Ex Is Bullying Me: How to Reclaim Your Power After Separation

If you've ever found yourself thinking, “My ex is bullying me even after we’ve finalized things,” you’re not imagining it. I’ve seen this pattern time and again in my work: an ex-partner uses communication, co-parenting, or even the children themselves to continue unhealthy dynamics long after separation. It’s painful. It’s confusing. And it can leave you feeling like your life still revolves around someone you were trying to get free from.

But here’s the truth: you can take your power back, even if your ex continues to act out. This post offers clear steps you can take, emotionally, practically, and legally, so that bullying doesn’t control your post-divorce life.

Why Bullying Can Continue After Divorce

Just because the paperwork is signed doesn’t mean the emotional patterns stop. Especially when there was codependence or emotional abuse during the marriage, those dynamics often try to reassert themselves after separation.

Let’s take Casey and Jacob; a composite example based on real scenarios I’ve worked with.

Casey and Jacob reached a mediated agreement. They had boundaries in place: communicate only via email, speak only about the kids. But Jacob didn’t honor those terms. He began texting Casey again, often with cruel or inflammatory messages, sometimes involving the children as pawns. The bullying hadn’t ended. It had simply changed form.

This is more common than you might think.

Step 1: “My Ex Is Bullying Me”—What to Do When They Break the Agreement

If you’re saying, “My ex is bullying me,” the first step is to stop engaging outside the agreement.

For Casey, that meant:

• No more responding to text messages. Their mediated agreement specified email only.

• No more reacting to personal attacks. Emails must be “child-related and utilitarian only.”

• Subject lines must be clear and topic-focused—e.g., “Soccer schedule for this week.”

• If an email strays into personal insults or emotional manipulation, she can respond with a simple, “I did not read your email because it violated our agreement.”

Or even better: she can use a third-party email screener: someone neutral who filters communication and passes on only what’s relevant and respectful. This reduces emotional exposure and helps maintain the integrity of the agreement.

Why this matters: When you choose to engage with bullying, you may unknowingly reinforce the power dynamic. When you don’t, you shift the pattern. You say, “This dynamic stops with me.”

Step 2: Acknowledge the Emotional Pattern (and Break It)

Codependent dynamics don’t dissolve with legal documents. If you’ve been conditioned to “keep the peace,” “manage the drama,” or “try harder,” you may still be energetically available to the same dysfunction, even when you don’t want to be. This is where the inner work begins.

Casey sometimes fell back into old patterns; reading the texts, replying emotionally, or allowing Jacob’s cruelty to define her worth. But each time she noticed this and made a different choice, she strengthened her healing.

It’s not your fault that someone is bullying you. But it is your responsibility to notice where you’re still responding from old wounds and to seek support in shifting that.

Step 3: Protect the Children - Without Playing the Same Game

One of the hardest things I see is when an ex uses the children to hurt or manipulate the other parent. In Casey’s case, Jacob was making disparaging comments about her to the kids.

Here’s what we focused on:

• Document everything. Even if she doesn’t read the emails or texts herself, she saves them. These may become evidence later.

• Teach the children coping mechanisms. They can’t control what their dad says, but they can learn how to manage how it affects them:

  • Journaling privately

  • Talking to a trusted adult

  • Taking a walk or doing a physical activity

  • Recording their thoughts via voice-to-text (privately)

• Let kids express their feelings, but with structure.

This led to something powerful...

Step 4: Create a Family Circle to Process Emotion Safely

When the children came back from visits with Jacob, they often carried tension, confusion, or hurt. So, I taught Casey how to host family circle meetings; a structured space where everyone can speak and be heard.

Here’s how it works:

• Create a calming space in your home (around a table, in the living room)

• Use a talking object (like a stone or stick) to ensure one person speaks at a time

• Set boundaries: each child brings 1–2 experiences to share

• The parent acts as a facilitator, not a fixer: ask questions, don’t give advice

• Allow siblings to respond to each other, not just to the parent

• Wait at least 6–24 hours after a visit before holding a circle, so kids can decompress first (journaling or art-making beforehand helps)

If it’s too triggering for the parent to facilitate, consider bringing in a neutral third party - someone who won’t take sides, but who will model emotional regulation and listening.

This process teaches kids:

• Emotional literacy

• Conflict processing

• Peer empathy

• That their home is a safe container, not a reaction to their other parent’s dysfunction

You Can’t Change Your Ex, But You Can Change the Game

“My ex is bullying me” is a heartbreaking but common sentence I hear. But it doesn’t have to define the rest of your life or your parenting.

Here’s what you can do:

• Enforce your legal agreements with consistency

• Stop feeding the emotional loop with engagement

• Do your own healing work, with support

• Teach your children to process and protect themselves

• Reclaim the authority to define your emotional space

You don’t have to do it alone. And you shouldn’t do it alone.

Next Steps:

If you’re struggling with bullying from your ex, even after mediation or a court order, I’m here to help. Book a confidential consultation, or ask about setting up a family circle process in your home. You deserve peace, and so do your children.